Why is it so hard to kill myself, why can’t I just go through with it.
I want to die. I want everything to end.
Today, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I broke up. It was a mutual agreement. We discussed how things weren’t the same, how we are opposites, and are generally not making each other happy. I walked into my house crying, put my stuff away and hugged my Mom, I cried while she held me, and she began crying too. We talked for a bit, about how it was for the best and all. And just after I finished crying, she tells me I’m the best thing that ever happened to her and Dad. I’ve never been told that. So I broke into tears again. It’s really not easy, knowing nothing will be the same, all those memories will be remembered, and I’ll think back to how great they were. I will never forget him or those memories.. but I now must move forward.
My bad day, turned into a bad week, which turned into a bad month. It’s now been a couple months. And now I’m back, back in that horrible state of mind. I want to rip my skin apart and finally breathe, because I feel as though I’m suffocating, under all these thoughts, these new and old weaknesses, I’m dying inside.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake
I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve had such a horrible week, I’ve been so stressed. The other day my dad was in hospital because he almost cut his finger off at work. I’ve been over thinking since then. And yesterday was even worse. I had to do my english presentation, I talked for over 5 minutes, and my voice was so shaky, I couldn’t talk properly and messed up so many times. When I finished I had to leave because I had an anxiety attack. I couldn’t breathe and I kept crying.. :( so yeah not great.
Gah, today was actually a good day! I went on an excursion to see the 2014 Top Arts Exhibition in the city. The artwork was quite amazing! although it can’t compare to last years artwork in my books, but I loved it. There were some amazing and interesting pieces. But it really disappointed me how many were ‘inkjet printed’ and digital and all. I was looking forward to some amazing painted pieces like I saw last year, but instead got a stack of 595 campbell soup looking cans. And I know that sounds horrible of me, but If I knew that I could stack a bunch of cans together, I wouldn’t be trying so hard with my current potential directions. Anyway, it was a great day, and we got to see all the other levels of the NVG (National Gallery of Victoria). We were also allowed to wander off for lunch and all, so I looked around Off Ya Tree and Dangerfield with a friend, and we got food. I also brought a Krispy Kreme Doughnut and went into my first Starbucks! ahah. it was a great day and I feel as though I was able to become closer with a friend, and that made me quite happy.
Also, on another note.. Me and sugar do not match. After not being able to eat after 5 days.. seriously, I’m just a hypo freaking weirdo who can’t say a 6 word sentence without messing up 6 and a half words..
Today was an in-between day. I woke up late, so I had to rush to get ready for school, I did almost nothing all day at school, last two sessions however I had woodtech and I felt like the biggest idiot, and my anxiety began to get bad. The looks from people and my involuntarily ignoring people made it worse, I just couldn’t hear anything, not even my thoughts. I just had a horrible feelings constantly that made me jump to my old coping habits that just make it worse now. gah. But the good thing about today was my boyfriend waited for me after lunch to give me a hug (He has VET so I don’t see him from recess onwards), but I felt so guilty because he waited longer than he should have, and I made him late for class. mergh.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow though, I’m going to the city to see the Top arts exhibition with my Studio arts class and the year 11 studio arts class. I think it will be great because I have a few friends to hang out with. yay. :3
It’s been a couple horrible last few says.. Well accept Saturday, I went on a little date with my boyfriend and I went shopping for mothers day gifts. Then spent the night cuddling and watching Wolf Creek 1 & 2. However I woke up the next day feelings crappy, I also Had a blow out in my right ear and I just felt shitty.
And today was worse, I woke up so sick, and mid way doing my make up I realised my nose piercing was missing, and I had to re-pierce it, and now it’s swollen. I also had to go home early from school because I was so sick, and I’m still sick. But my boyfriend was so lovely and came to visit. aw.
Today was yet another bad day.
- Woke up late and stuffed up my makeup, also didn’t have time to finish homework.
- School is just horrible, gah. I can’t stand people, they are just so rude.
- Had a double english session, and my class is filled with morons and I can’t even block them out with music.
- Had a double math session, and I can’t stand math.
- I tried helping my boyfriend build his desk, but when he got angry at me I just broke down because I can’t hold in tears anymore.
- Annnnnnnnd I have a shit tonne of folio work for my Studio Arts class to do, and it’s driving me insane.
The only good thing about today was that my math teacher was surprisingly on my side about dropping maths.