My life has definitely improved over the past month. However, I’m still having troubles, my nightmares are getting worse. But I no longer have to hold my emotions in. I used to because my ex hated when I cried and all, he’d get angry. But recently I’ve actually been able to come to terms with how I feel. I’ve been having a rough time, broken down at school a few times over the past few weeks, twice last week.. but I feel as though I’m getting better, I actually told a good friend about my nightmares and why I think they are happening. I cut my wrist for the first time in months on Wednesday.. and I cut every day since, which Is why I realised I’m not doing so well anymore.
But yesterday did change a lot. I went to Queen Victoria Market with my parents and boyfriend. Daniel and I walked off and looked for merch and all, and I was just so happy, I couldn’t stop smiling and I caught myself looking at him in admiration constantly. He is perfect, and he genuinely seems like he wants to be with me, he’d hold my hand, hug me, put his arm around me while walking (even though there is a ft and a half difference in height between us) and it’s like he knew me, he would be okay with my constant speed walking around people, and would laugh when I got frustrated by slow walkers, and he’d always be looking back because he realised I had stopped to look at something.
After, I went to his house, we cuddled and kissed and all that, and we were made to play pictionary and uno with his family, and i have to say, I really enjoyed it. I never had that family bond I guess with my family. But his are so welcoming and lovely, They don’t treat you like a stranger or anything. And oh my gosh, his little sister is adorable. She was shy and would only talk to me on occasion, but she is just so cute, and the way Daniel is loving and cute with her makes me so happy.
Now i’m not big on being lovey dovey and cute. But I think I’ve found the perfect guy. Laying in his arms is truly perfect, and listening to his heartbeat made me feel safe. I’ve always felt like home is just a feeling, and it’s a feeling I never experienced until I was in his arms. Where ever I go, I’m home as long as I’m with him.
I think i’m on a happier path, and I hope this one takes me on great new adventures that I’ll cherish forever.
Why is it so hard to kill myself, why can’t I just go through with it.
I want to die. I want everything to end.
Today, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I broke up. It was a mutual agreement. We discussed how things weren’t the same, how we are opposites, and are generally not making each other happy. I walked into my house crying, put my stuff away and hugged my Mom, I cried while she held me, and she began crying too. We talked for a bit, about how it was for the best and all. And just after I finished crying, she tells me I’m the best thing that ever happened to her and Dad. I’ve never been told that. So I broke into tears again. It’s really not easy, knowing nothing will be the same, all those memories will be remembered, and I’ll think back to how great they were. I will never forget him or those memories.. but I now must move forward.
My bad day, turned into a bad week, which turned into a bad month. It’s now been a couple months. And now I’m back, back in that horrible state of mind. I want to rip my skin apart and finally breathe, because I feel as though I’m suffocating, under all these thoughts, these new and old weaknesses, I’m dying inside.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake
I’ve changed my mind.
I’ve had such a horrible week, I’ve been so stressed. The other day my dad was in hospital because he almost cut his finger off at work. I’ve been over thinking since then. And yesterday was even worse. I had to do my english presentation, I talked for over 5 minutes, and my voice was so shaky, I couldn’t talk properly and messed up so many times. When I finished I had to leave because I had an anxiety attack. I couldn’t breathe and I kept crying.. :( so yeah not great.
Gah, today was actually a good day! I went on an excursion to see the 2014 Top Arts Exhibition in the city. The artwork was quite amazing! although it can’t compare to last years artwork in my books, but I loved it. There were some amazing and interesting pieces. But it really disappointed me how many were ‘inkjet printed’ and digital and all. I was looking forward to some amazing painted pieces like I saw last year, but instead got a stack of 595 campbell soup looking cans. And I know that sounds horrible of me, but If I knew that I could stack a bunch of cans together, I wouldn’t be trying so hard with my current potential directions. Anyway, it was a great day, and we got to see all the other levels of the NVG (National Gallery of Victoria). We were also allowed to wander off for lunch and all, so I looked around Off Ya Tree and Dangerfield with a friend, and we got food. I also brought a Krispy Kreme Doughnut and went into my first Starbucks! ahah. it was a great day and I feel as though I was able to become closer with a friend, and that made me quite happy.
Also, on another note.. Me and sugar do not match. After not being able to eat after 5 days.. seriously, I’m just a hypo freaking weirdo who can’t say a 6 word sentence without messing up 6 and a half words..
Today was an in-between day. I woke up late, so I had to rush to get ready for school, I did almost nothing all day at school, last two sessions however I had woodtech and I felt like the biggest idiot, and my anxiety began to get bad. The looks from people and my involuntarily ignoring people made it worse, I just couldn’t hear anything, not even my thoughts. I just had a horrible feelings constantly that made me jump to my old coping habits that just make it worse now. gah. But the good thing about today was my boyfriend waited for me after lunch to give me a hug (He has VET so I don’t see him from recess onwards), but I felt so guilty because he waited longer than he should have, and I made him late for class. mergh.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow though, I’m going to the city to see the Top arts exhibition with my Studio arts class and the year 11 studio arts class. I think it will be great because I have a few friends to hang out with. yay. :3
It’s been a couple horrible last few says.. Well accept Saturday, I went on a little date with my boyfriend and I went shopping for mothers day gifts. Then spent the night cuddling and watching Wolf Creek 1 & 2. However I woke up the next day feelings crappy, I also Had a blow out in my right ear and I just felt shitty.
And today was worse, I woke up so sick, and mid way doing my make up I realised my nose piercing was missing, and I had to re-pierce it, and now it’s swollen. I also had to go home early from school because I was so sick, and I’m still sick. But my boyfriend was so lovely and came to visit. aw.